If he loves you.

I'm sick of living.
And sick of complaining.
God, just kill me already.

- Sarah.

Leave.

I'm sick of being alone. But I don't want to be around people.

My mother is home, she's usually at her boyfriends place, but not today, not now. Sometimes I feel like she's just here to taunt me. Just to show me that I am not the boss of my own life. She can hurt me if she wants to. I have nowhere to go. It's like she's laughing at me, not smiling, but laughing. Evil. Devious. "Haha, I can drink if I want to, there's nothing you can do about it. If I choose to tell you that you're worthless, again, you won't be able to say anything back to me. I own this apartment, I can kick you out. You are a nobody, you have nowhere to go, even I, your own mother, I hate you. And I wish you were never born."
I want her to leave me alone. I want to finish school so I can get out of here. When I'm done I'll leave. Leave her. Kick her out of my life, and I'm never gonna talk to her again. I'm glad she doesn't know. Maybe it'll take her by surprise, and maybe, just maybe she'll miss me a little.

- Sarah.

I love you.

Last night a guy I know told me he loves me. Someone loves me. I've been crushing on him since..forever. You know what sucks though? He lives 6 hours away from me. By airplane. Crap.
But it was nice anyway.
He knows all about my everything. My mom, my eating, my cutting, the depression, anxiety..everything. He said it didn't make a difference. That it only makes me stronger. I don't believe him, but that also was nice to hear.
He said I was a beautiful liar. And that I have "fucking awesome legs".
Made me giggle.
I don't think he's seen my roadmaplegs. I mean, I wear skirts and dresses, but the cuts are so far up that nobody can see them. So..from mid-thigh and down, my legs are fucking awesome. According to him anyway. I like that. I've always thought I was repulsive, but now? I'm still repulsive..but I'm a tiny little bit less repulsive than I was last week.

This makes me want to tell people. Like when I think someone looks nice - I'll tell them. It really can brighten their mood. Awesome.

- Sarah.

Red.

I've been feeling all weird today. Like..I don't even know.

I found myself cutting right after I posted the last entry. I now figured I'd count the little red stripes on my thigh, not including the area where I carved "FAT BITCH" below them all. I now have a nice little collection of cuts. 58 to be exact. I'm glad I didn't do more. Roadmaplegs are never sexy.

- Sarah

Lights out.

This morning the power went out. I didn't even dare to go shower because of it. I am such a child! But can you blame me? It was superdark!

So now I'm late for school. I really should be running around trying to get ready, but I'm here instead. I'm not sure if I'm even going. School is tiring. Not because it's boring or anything, but because I'm surrounded by people, all the fucking time.
I'm scared of failing though, I've skipped all too many lessons. That and I'm terribly unintelligent.

- Sarah

Unusual.

I'm unusually happy today. I got to school on time for once, had a midterm, ended early and had my bestie come over. We ate pizza. No wonder I'm fat :)

I figured I'd make a list of facts about myself, so..that's what I'm doing today.











- I'm 5'7
- I have dark brown hair down to my waist
- I'm a natural blonde
- I've been biting my nails since I was 3, I recently quit, and I'm extremely proud of that
- I'm a vegetarian
- I'm an atheist
- I'm pretty much addicted to pepsi max
- I love cooking
- I enjoy reading
- My favorite book is Prozac Nation
- My taste in music is insane, I'm all over the place, I like everything from Fiona Apple to Opeth
- My favorite song is John Mayer - Slow Dancing In A Burning Room
- I love singing
- I'm going to be a primary school teacher
- I have been diagnosed with an eating disorder
- I also suffer from depression and social anxiety
- I think wallowing in your own misery is therapeutic somehow
- I take sleeping pills to..sleep at night
- My mother is an alcoholic
- I've been having the same nightmare since I was 11, it scares me now just as much as it did back then
- That one nightmare is about running..and then drowning. It's terrible
- My cellphone is pink and 3 years old, I think it might die soon
- My iPod broke when some lady sat on it while I was in Spain,.I now use a cheap mp3-player, so totally not the same thing
- One of my favorite movies is Girl, Interrupted. I have yet to read the book, but I am very much looking forward to it
- I drink, and smoke on occation, but I've never done drugs
- I have few, but very close friends, and I like it that way
- I love, love, love CSI and similar shows
- I want to have kids, but I'm worried about being a bad mother
- I wear either converse or high heels, nothing else
- I like wearing dresses, they make me feel pretty
- I usually fake my smile
- I cut myself at times, which I think is an embarrassing habit
- I like being alone, but I hate feeling lonely
- I usually have a cold from August - May. And then I get seriously ill during my summer vacation. Score 1 to bacteria/viruses.
- My left boob is bigger than my right one
- I wear way too much makeup
- I have 2 younger siblings, and 1 stepsister that is as old as me
- The last piece of meat I ate was chicken, and I had it back in 2006
- I think roses smell icky
- I like spending all day in bed, with music and a good book
- I eat pasta whenever I've been out drinking, and I'm rarely hungover - coincidence? I think not.
- My bestie gave me a fish for christmas. I had never had a fish before that.
- Me & my hula hoop are very close friends, even though it gives me bruises
- I fall over all the time, down flights of stairs, trip over my own feet while walking or just...losing my balance when standing still.
- I've always wanted to punch someone in the face
-..or stick a fork in someones eye
- I have crazy moods
- I write insanely long lists about myself and post them online.

- Sarah

Lonely.

I'm just gonna jump into it.
I'm 18, single, (a virgin at that) and never in my life have I ever been this lonely.
I'm pathetic, and very aware of it.
I'm a..large person. Which is probably the reason why I've never had a boyfriend. I mean, hello, who wants to date the fat girl?
That or I have a really sucky personality, either way, I'm pathetic.
I'm kinda not into living at the moment. I used to be happy, I think. But not anymore.
I'm not quite sure why.

I'll use this blog as a diary, somewhere to write down my thoughts. Maybe I'll help someone. Make them see that they are not alone. Or..not.

That's all I got for now.

- Sarah.